I bought a car today. And fuck it, I got a BMW. A used one, for a smoking deal. But the fun of having it is being overshadowed by the dread of telling my parents who will undoubtedly disapprove. Let it be known they have no input, monetarily or otherwise, involved here, but I just know the “Oh Sarah, this is ridiculous” speech will rear up and there’s no way to avoid it. No matter how much I tell them I got it for literally thousands below Blue Book and that it’s well within my budget, even about $100 less per month than I had expected to spend for ANY car, I’ll get the slow head shake of disapproval and disappointment. But hey, friends of the internet! I got a new car and it’s beautiful. Just wanted to share with some people I knew would be pumped for me. Thanks babes!
I said to stay tuned… And not a peep. Ha! I’m an idiot.
In other less obvious news, I spent my first night down in Monterey… In my glorious big girl bed that I “splurged” on (read: didn’t buy from a weird hotel…)
The rest of the apartment is entirely unfurnished. But the bed! The bed, just for me. Only me. One…
Oh dear. Yes, I’m definitely going to die alone here in this town. But aside from the fact that I proclaimed to 30-odd strangers on the internet and maybe 5 of my IRL friends that I was “in” I always knew there was a chance that he wouldn’t be, but I’d be lying if I said I thought it’d be this quick to cut ties. So I guess I’m slogging along, I suppose there’s still time, but really it was a massive long shot all along. I need work to start with the promised 70 hour work week (and the glorious, glorious paycheck) so I can just work until exhausted, come home and pass out and feel nothing but resignation that this is my new life. Can you tell I’m excited!? Also kicking off a new health regime bc my 7 lbs turned into 15 and just no. Can’t be loveless AND chubs. One thing at a time sister.
I cried almost non-stop from boarding through takeoff and I’m sure my seat mates (both large surly men) were praying to God I would pull it together. I did, by taking two sleep aids. Voila, weeping mess subdued.
And why all the weeping? Well, since my last few cynical posts about Mr. Manly, things took quite a turn. Yes, I’m sad to leave my girlfriends. Absolutely a large part of it. But really, I am most sad to have to walk away from what might have been.
You see, I finally got over the hump. The one that always had me acting nonchalant and carefree. After the first few weeks I realized I had to do something. Say something. Feel something. Before you think I went crazy and dropped L-bombs, let’s back it up. No, not that.
But I did look at someone I care about (romantically) and say, without expectation or ulterior motive: “I’m going to miss you.” And all the unsaid things that go along with that. And we both cried.
And I have no idea what will happen next. We didn’t have enough time to make any decisions, or even to talk about any decisions. For me, I’m in. I want to see what could happen, and after 5 years of waiting to find someone to make myself vulnerable to, I’m in it to win it. Maybe not marry the guy, but to fall in love with him. To see what happens next. I’ve been dating for 5 years, 5 long and lonely years, and this is the feeling I’ve been waiting to feel. Like somebody is worth trying for. Worth opening up to.
Does he feel the same way? Buh! Is this a summer fling and I’m blinded by the Hollywood glamor of finding love at the end of a journey? Buh! Maybe yes, maybe no. I honestly don’t care. I’ll tell him, you, and anyone who will listen that I miss him. That being with him made me think of all the ways it could work rather than all the ways it couldn’t. (Maybe I won’t tell him that last part…)
We now live in different hemispheres. 17 hour time difference. Opposite seasons. You get the point. And maybe this fades and I have to start again with somebody new or wait another five years (God help me!) but I will hope, in the face of all the reasons it might end, that it doesn’t. Stay tuned.
Money. Burritos. Living alone. My stuffed animal “Bear.” My longboard. In ‘n Out cheeseburger, protein-style. Gym membership.
Naming the things I’m looking forward to as I make this move. Trying to stay positive, get excited, and go into this next chapter with some optimism. This ain’t my usual shit, so let’s hope it works.
The job. In a move that should not have surprised me in the least, given that lawyers/law firms have zero respect for the lives of their employees, the firm insisted I start April 14th EVEN THOUGH I TOLD THEM MY RETURN WAS MAY 5TH. I’m sure whatever shit house discovery I’ll be wading through is absolutely critical though… If I refused, the offer was gone. Bad taste in my mouth to start, especially since I had to pay $500 to change my flight and I “might” get reimbursed, “we’ll discuss it when you get back.” Paying to start a job, that’s a freakin’ first.
The boy. Well, had to tell him about the change of plans and got the best possible reaction, all things considered. Long story short, we’ll “stay in touch” but I’m not going to hold my breath. When I told him he was clearly disappointed and there are some schmoopy shit details I won’t bore you with, but I do think when push comes to shove he’d be gun-shy and really, we’d both have to be gung-ho to even have a shot in hell at it. So we’ll stay in touch fora few months maybe, it’ll fade and I’ll be alone in Monterey stalking his Facebook and obsessing over the latest girl he added and OMG she’s not even that cute! Nice, something to look forward to! Sigh.
So now instead of having six weeks to relax and enjoy Sydney, I’m rushing around trying to get an apartment and car etc.
Trying so hard to be positive about this job, but I know deep down money is never the answer. One year baby, one hard yard year.
Things are happening fast and furious around here, and because it seems like people are actually reading this (wha?!) I’m going to have to update y’all.
Job. I got it. I don’t care who you are or what the job is, it always feels good to land one. Pay is good, and as there’s no other options on the table right now, I’m trying to see the positives. Also, the bonus structure is clearly aligned with billing hours, so when you work more, you make more, no ifs ands or buts. Silver lining to knowing I’m going to spend the next year doing 60+ hour work weeks. At least I’ll be compensated.
Manly. I’m happy to report that I’m an overreacting idiot. I did hear from him and it was to make dinner plans, which we did last night. For background, he lives in Manly (duh) and I live in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney (Bondi) so we met in the middle. The date, the conversation, everything was awesome; I felt like I really got to know him more. I’ll save the gory details for later, when I’m more calm. A more traditional date, and I’ve already heard from him today. No plans ahead, but I’m feeling less neurotic (fancy that) and paranoid. Baby steps.
The plan. Welp. Looks like I’ll be in Monterey. It’s the right thing right now. I literally can’t stay in Australia right now, and there’s nothing concrete in Dallas. Timing, as usual, is everything. Manly and I haven’t discussed my plans yet, and I’m trying not to read too much into what that “means” as he does know my visa expires. I think he is not asking on purpose. I’m certainly not bringing it up on purpose. I do feel like whenever one thing starts to line up, another bit comes out of left field and makes the first thing impossible. Will things all come together at the right time, EVER?!? Stay tuned.
It’s back. The law job I applied for in November, which got back to me in January, only to tell me in February they’d decided against hiring entirely… Yeah, that one.
And now it’s all “we were so impressed by your background” and “really hope to hear from you.”
And because I am a coward, I said yes.
About this job. It is in the middle. of. nowhere. Monterey, CA. It is small business law touting itself as more, but at least it’s not litigation. So why the draw? The salary. Oh, the sweet, sweet, 6 figure salary. Which of course is their only carrot. They can’t get young lawyers out to the social black hole that is Monterey unless they bribe them.
And here I am, ready to sell my happiness.
I’ve read all the articles; “My Biggest Regret Was Taking A Job For Money” and so on and so forth. I know it will be horrible. I know law isn’t my passion. I know what is my passion. But I can’t (read: won’t) pull the trigger because I feel like it’s too late.
Here is what law school leaves you with:
Debt. Debt beyond what you can comprehend and when you were 21 or 22 and you hadn’t earned any money, you also conversely didn’t realize what it meant to owe that much money. Now, you do. And it is all-consuming.
No transferable skills and a dash of delusion. People will only see you as a lawyer. They will tell you that you don’t have the “skills” to do a 40k a year job. Never mind that you could learn those skills, and arguably fairly quickly. No. You plain just don’t have them. The delusion bit comes from thinking that law school and a law degree will get you some latitude if you decide not to be a lawyer. No, no it doesn’t. You are in the teensiest, tiniest box. Enjoy.
Stress, hours, and unhappiness. I don’t have to elaborate. I hated virtually every minute of being a lawyer. The only time I didn’t hate it was probably when I was commuting and I knew I could bill for that time. Every other moment, a living hell.
I am telling myself that I can do this for a year. Save money. Try quitting again. But every year goes by. At what cost?! I’m 28, and as evidenced by a look back through 5 years of Facebook photos, absolutely tragically single, and at the moment, career-less. Every article on the internet sends me further into spin mode. I’m doing it right, I’m doing it wrong, what type of milkshake am I?!? This job represents giving up. But I don’t see the finish line on anything else. Why not move to man-free Monterey? Not like anywhere else has been working! Why not work a soulless job and at least get paid well for it?
I know this has been a somewhat sad sack space lately, but that’s where I’m at right now. Optimism and cheer would be nice, but also disingenuous. I’m in a bit of a tail spin from which I suppose I will emerge, maybe in Monterey, maybe in Dallas, maybe in Vegas. Who knows. We’ll see what happens after this final phone call. I may not get it yet again and it’s back to square one anyway.